Pip 4M The light was so bright

Mum can me and Rebecca play out in the garden” Said Paisley.” Yes, but watch out for the golden jelly dog. Paisley and Rebecca were not thinking so they took out some jelly babies as a treat. The jelly dog was so hungry that he leapt out!!! WHATS GOING ON screamed Rebecca. I DO NOT KNOW shouted Paisley!!!! All of a sudden the jelly dog suddenly began lighting up. The light was so bright.” Paisley   , Rebecca ” shouted there mum. But it was   know use .Then she felt shoulder…..it was them the two girls

2 thoughts on “Pip 4M The light was so bright

  1. I was in shok when it ended!!!!!!I would like ferther adventurs to be riton!!
    GOOD WORK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  2. Hi Pip
    I like your idea of using speech to take the story forward, and you hook your reader in at the beginning with your mum’s warning about the golden jelly dog. Exclamation marks are a good way of adding excitement to a story but be careful not to overdo it and add too many capital letters.
    From Mrs Fine

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